Lesson # 1
Part I
-The 1st Secret of Love & Relationship Design-
“ Understand What Love Is and What It's Not ”
“It is one of the beautiful compensations of life, that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Love : We all want it, make sacrifices to seek it out and use the word to describe every experience from our affections for one another to our preferences for food and cars – “I love her so much… boy, do I ever love fried chicken… now that's a car I can fall in love with” – all betraying how little we actually know about love itself.
We are confused about Love today. It's not your fault but it is your responsibility to understand why that's the case and what you can do to change it if you are committed to designing the relationship of your dreams (Turn to page 136 in The Program and begin learning about the “ Principles of Relationship Design ”).
The problem? We really don't know ‘how to' love because we really don't know what it is let alone what it requires from us. When you don't know what something is, which most people don't, it's pretty hard to do. Wouldn't you agree?
Most people see the main problem of love primarily as that of being loved, that is finding the “right” person who will love you and meet your needs, fulfill your dreams, support your goals and aspirations and become your one and only “soul-mate”. Wow! A tall order indeed and set up for failure right out of the gate!!
What we miss in this approach to loving is how self-absorbed it is, the antithesis of what True Love is. Thus, our ‘love problems' are all about being loved by another, rather than that of loving , or one's capacity to love that we sadly overlook and under-develop. The focus instead is on how to be loved ; become attractive and desirable rather than on learning “how to” actually Love another.
Have you noticed the growth in on-line dating sites, matchmakers and dating clubs for all socioeconomic and demographic categories? It's not an accident. People are obsessed today with “how to meet and find the right one” – find “Mr. or Ms. Right” as if the only problem in loving is to find that one perfect person, the missing piece which is THE ANSWER totally missing the real issue responsible for why we fail so often at love.
The Real Issue is one of faculty , which is our capacity TO LOVE in the first place, not just in finding someone or demanding that the one we find LOVE US . It's fairly easy to be loved but quite another thing to learn how to give it. The key secret determining success or failure in love has to do with your capacity to do it!
What is Love , really, and what does it require of us to experience it within our most important relationships?
Consider that “ Emotion is Motion ”: Love is something we DO, not something we feel ; we don't feel love and then act – we DO love and then feel it.
Love is NOT an emotion ; it is a series of actions accompanied by a range of feelings that we create by committing to behave in specific ways toward our partner consistent with our values and guiding beliefs about what love means.
The Key to Secret # 1 Part I is this : True Love that is sustainable and fulfilling can only be found by our focus on giving love to another, not on getting it from them. One is Love, the other domination.
Ask yourself these questions to determine if you live “from love” or “from feelings” :
• What 3 ways have you DEMONSTRATED and DISPLAYED Love to your spouse today?
• Are you fully present, emotionally available, authentic, transparent, generous and self-expressed when you are with your partner?
• How capable are you of facilitating a deep connection and emotional bond with the person you profess to love?
• Are you as passionate about loving that person consistent with what love means to them and what they need as you are in advocating for your own needs and desires?
These are important “love questions” and until you can adequately answer them you may be part of the problem you're complaining to your partner about.
If you do what comes natural in love you will fail at it.
Most of us are love illiterate and do little to nothing to grow in how to love our partners adequately, yet we have no problem expecting to be loved exactly as we want and we determine we deserve.
We believe that these Limiting Beliefs and the actions and attitudes that come from them are responsible for the divorce rate and degree of dissatisfaction in relationships within our culture.
(See Part II of The Program for a complete coaching guide and more questions to teach you critical distinctions about what Love is and what Love isn't)
-Action Steps for Secret # 1 Part I of Love & Relationship Design-
• Ask Yourself : What 3 specific things can I DO TODAY to demonstrate love to my spouse? (HINT: If you're not sure, ask them; they'll be delighted to tell you!)
• Ask Your Spouse : What Love means to them, looks like to them, feels like to them and what actions, behaviors, attitudes and things register as love for them. Then, DO THEM REGULARLY as a “gift” without any expectations for anything from them in return.
• Stop! Focusing on how you're not being loved, as you deserve or on how to find someone to love you; start focusing on “faculty” or developing your capacity to actually love another (Turn to page 19 in The Program for coaching on “What is a Real Relationship and How do you Create it”).
Lesson # 1
Part II
-The 1st Secret of Love & Relationship Design-
“ Understand What Love Is and What It's Not ”
“Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails”
I Corinthians 13:7-8
Love : The word conjures up an array of images, meanings and associations.
Never has something so pursued been so ill defined and not understood. As we mentioned in Part I, the central problem in love and loving is that, candidly, we don't know what it is let alone what is required to know how to actually love another person.
So, what exactly is Love and if we dare to take on the challenge of truly loving another human being, what is required from us to do it successfully? If it's not a feeling then what is it really and how do I begin to actually love my partner regardless of what is happening between us?
May we offer you a proposed working definition of “what Love is” developed from the failure and pain of being unsuccessful at it during our ten years of marriage prior to Jay's affair:
“Love is a set of CHOICES accompanied by specific ACTIONS that are motivated by a COMMITMENT to bring the best you have to offer as a contribution to the one you claim to love”
• Choices…
• Actions…
• Commitments…
Love is far more than a collection of feelings that when present, “allow us to behave in loving ways”; it is a defiant insistence on resolving to DO loving acts from a commitment to invest energy into your partner by contributing to them no matter what circumstances you find yourself in .
The other challenge is we make no distinctions at all when we speak about what love is or means to us using the word “ Love ” as a garbage pail to describe everything we feel. No wonder we're confused!
So, when your partner says to you, “ I love you, but I'm not in love with you ” (a common lament in our practice!) what they are really saying is that they don't have a clue about what love means. What they are trying to say not very well is that they feel “concern and care for you”, but they're “not turned on by you or excited”. They understand the language of feelings but not the requirements of love. Concern and Excitement can be pleasant feelings but they don't get you to love.
Love is not a feeling you “get” from being with the right person; it's the feelings that come “from” what you DO to love another person over time and across different experiences. And, while Love can be mysterious there is no mystery when it comes to learning how to Love if we know what it really is.
What's the answer to this problem? We need to become more proficient in the art of Love by understanding that there are many forms and expressions of it. In fact, the ancient Greeks used four different words to describe what “Love” is.
Consider, that different types of love ask different things from us and with each thing love asks there is a specific way in which we must grow bigger than ourselves to be successful in loving another .
At Surprised by Love â , we distinguish between “ 4 Types of Love” each requiring something different from us in the act of loving:
The Key to Secret # 1 Part II is this : Know the difference between each Type of Love (I to IV) AND become very good at DOING each of them regardless of what circumstance or situation you are in! (Keep reading to find out how…)
Type I Love: Eros
(Passion)
Eros Love is that sense of “being in love”, the experience of passion that gets most of the attention in our culture. Interestingly, it's not just sexual feelings (e.g. chemistry, physical attraction) although sex is often a component of it. Rather, it's a by-product of an “ emotional investment ” in a person accompanying deep attachment that combines both psychological and physical contact that is intimate. So, it's not just “chemistry” that creates Eros , but more importantly “connection” with your partner.
REQUIREMENTS TO DESIGN EROS LOVE
• Turn Toward vs. Turn Away [See page 43 and 49 of The Program to learn more about “ What's a Healthy Relationship Anyway ”], from your partner in the small day to day moments and the more important ones (e.g. a kiss goodbye or hello, a call during the day to see how their day is going, or for physical, sexual or emotional comfort following a stressful challenge).
• Invest all of your energy (which is the foundation of passion) INTO your primary relationship and stop letting work, friends, hobbies, your family or any other potential exists interfere with what you have to offer your partner. This choice alone will create more passion than you ever thought possible!
• When we allow ourselves to be emotionally available by being present and showing up without armor and defensiveness the conditions for love happen. The result of relating to one another in this way is the cultivation of attachment ; a strong feeling of connection such that the experience is one of “loving” that person and being together becomes an important part of what gives life texture, meaning and substance. Welcome to relationship design 101!
Type II Love: Storge
(Affection)
Storge Love is affection and fondness due to familiarity, especially between family members or the connections that come through kinship. This type of love is cultivated through proximity over time and continuity of shared experience often irrespective of those characteristics deemed “valuable” or worthy of love such as physical attraction or financial stability. However, the power of affection often thought to happen naturally and without effort is what makes this type of love so vulnerable. It doesn't happen just because you expect it; it has to be cultivated.
Affection (Storge) has the appearance of being “built-in” or “ready made” causing people to expect or demand it without investing what's required in their relationship to have it. Conversely, some perceive its absence as cause for concern because “ I've lost that loving feeling ” and that means I married the wrong person or I can't get it back and now am “ with my best friend ”.
Nothing could be further from the truth! This type of love, perhaps more so than any other, has to be nurtured through choice and a commitment to create it . We achieve that by the habit of expressing the importance, value, respect and appreciation you feel for your partner regardless of the situation or circumstance your relationship may be in (And, if you tell me you don't feel any you're focusing too much on the negatives which may be your problem!).
REQUIREMENTS TO DESIGN STORGE LOVE
• The design of “affection” love is through the habit of consistent expression of Fondness & Admiration ; it sounds like this – “ What I most appreciate about you is… What I like and respect about who you are is… Why you/us are so important to me is because ” (See page 47 of The Program for more coaching tips on how to do this in your relationship!).
• Expressing your affection for and admiration of your partner, without preconditions, makes it difficult to focus on what you want to change in them and creates an emotional bridge for connection.
• Choose to Maintain a Positive Perspective by focusing on what IS WORKING and what you can appreciate about your partner; continue to Turn Towards vs. Turn Away from your partner in the small seemingly insignificant moments of day-to-day life (See page 49 of The Program for more coaching tips on how to do this in your relationship!).
• Consider that with every kind glance, soft touch of a hand, gentle embrace in passing, holding the door open, asking how the day is going, genuine expression of interest or fully answering a question you are asked and then asking your partner a question back, you are making a huge investment in the “ Emotional Bank Account ” of your relationship. As your emotional capital grows so too will your Storge Love !
Type III Love: Philia
(Friendship)
Philia is friendship Love or the strong connection existing between people who share a common interest or activity . Philia Love is a by-product of a common bond that links people around things of importance to each of them.
It is the experience of solidarity around something of shared meaning thereby causing an association with loyalty to one another. Because of that “thing” that binds you together, there grows a natural emotional commitment that willingly wants to preserve and protect it because it's so valued.
Philia Love is the “band of brothers” form of love where you would willingly die for someone you're not related to biologically but you are connected too through camaraderie to a common cause.
REQUIREMENTS TO DESIGN PHILIA LOVE
• Find out what is most important to your partner and why it is so by creating a Love Map of your partner's internal world. Knowledge of what is really going on versus what you think is happening is critical to building a solid friendship with one another and is the foundation of all love (See page 45-47 of The Program for more coaching tips on how to do this in your relationship!).
• In addition to knowing about what is important, meaningful and significant to your partner, it's equally necessary to “honor” those things by acknowledging them through your interest in them and participating in supporting them be realized in your relationship. Ask your “ partner what specifically you can do ” that would honor those things that are vital to their happiness. THEN DO THEM!!!!
• Spend time together consistently doing shared activities, experiencing common interests or participating together in valued causes and support one another in pursuing those things important to each of you individually. This type of “honoring” builds a bond of friendship love ( Philia ) that is sustainable because it's built not on emotion, but rather respect and support for what you each value most.
Type IV Love: Agape
(Unconditional Grace)
Agape Love , often described as “the greatest of loves”, is unconditional love NOT dependent on anything your partner is or isn't, does or doesn't do, give or not give in return. It is love expressed through a form of grace that is a gift - a freely offered contribution from a pure desire to offer something without expectancy for anything back.
It is unrestricted in that you choose to give it without condition; it is unqualified because it's not contingent on anything except a commitment to love unconditionally; and it is absolute in its expression unhindered by your expectations or demands for them to be a certain way before you decide to invest love in them.
When you choose to offer Agape Love , it's a decision to “grant them being” which means you are unattached to changing your partner or asking them to be anything they are not or choose not to become . It is a choice to BE WITH THEM AS THEY ARE, and from that place of “unattachment” love them.
REQUIREMENTS TO DESIGN AGAPE LOVE
• Give up any efforts to change you partner, manipulate or pressure them into doing what you want or ask them to become the type of person you are committed to them being. This is usually about making them wrong for something by judging them and is the opposite of what love requires.
• Understand completely what a “Real Relationship” is versus an “Arrangement Relationship” (See Page 19 of The Program for a complete checklist of these critical distinctions).
• Decide to be with who your partner is before asking them to be different or change anything about them and express appreciation for those things you can admire and respect. For those things you do want to be different, make a respectful “request” and be genuinely open to loving them unconditionally regardless of what you get or don't get from them. The acceptance you gift them with is the most powerful form of influence you can offer them.
-Action Steps for Secret # 1 Part II of Love & Relationship Design-
• Get Crystal Clear: Create a “working” definition of “Love” based on the coaching we've given you and start LIVING IT right now. The standards we hold ourselves to determine our destiny. This is especially true in the art and science of love. Get clear about what love means to you for your relationship and act from that meaning, not your circumstances or feelings which change daily.
• Become Proficient: To truly Love someone requires you know how. Think about each Type of Love (I to IV ) that we distinguished in this lesson and ask yourself: What can I do, today, that I have not done or done so inconsistently, that I can do now to love my partner today? Then DO IT!
• Be Generous: True Love asks us to step outside and beyond ourselves INTO and TOWARD another as a contribution to them. The irony of loving is that the more of it we DO in the act of giving to our partner, the more we likely GET. The more generous we are in the giving of it, the more likely that what we get is sustainable and truly fulfilling. Choose to Love today from this commitment and you will take an important step in designing a relationship that is fulfilling and worth investing in.
Design your relationship. If not now, when?
To your relationship success,
Dr. Jay and Julie Kent-Ferraro
